Why I Didn’t Tell.

You probably shouldn’t read this. 

I really don’t want you to.

I really didn’t want to write it.

I’ve composed it over and over in my head, because I didn’t want to write it down. But if I’m writing about truth, it’s part of mine. I winced through the heyday of #metoo, because yes, and because just no!

I was molested as a child. 

It didn’t hurt as much to type it as I thought it would. What hurts is the look on your face when you read it. Shock, hurt, anger, pity, sadness. That’s why I never told anyone.

Ok, I told my husband and my religious leader, many, many years after the fact. I told my husband, because I didn’t want it to interfere with our marriage, and my religious leader to deal with the guilt.

I don’t want to talk about it, so here goes. The little boy next door and I were playing doctor. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. His teenage brother caught us, but he didn’t tell on us, he wanted to participate. 

When I hear people say, “You wouldn’t forget something like that.” It makes me want to scream. You will try with every fiber of your being to forget! I don’t remember the date, even the year. I think I was 7. I remember feeling sick. I remember feeling confused. I remember wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes to make it harder for him to touch me. I remember asking myself if the same thing was happening to my little sisters, but being too much of a coward to try to find out.

I remember the day when my oldest brother came across us, behind some bushes, as I struggled to tell this boy that he couldn’t touch me. My brother told him to leave me alone, never touch his sister again! And, unbelievably, he didn’t! We never spoke about it. I don’t know what he thought. I was beyond grateful! 

For years, I blamed myself. There are still things I blame myself for, even though I know that wasn’t actually my fault. I was a child.

My point isn’t really to talk about what happened to me, because Jesus knows, I don’t want to talk about it!  But, I feel beyond impressed to talk about the aftermath. I’m fine by the way. But not everyone is. Don’t you dare presume to know how that victim felt or why she did or didn’t do anything afterward! I don’t know how the next person feels. Neither do you. 

I do know how I felt when about 40 years later that person sent me a message on Facebook. Like a 7 yr old. Afraid, threatened. I deleted the message. 

So when friends of mine make jokes about how ridiculous it is that someone would come forward 25, 35, 40 years later, it feels like a personal attack. I know you didn’t know. That shouldn’t matter. You thought it was funny? Which part? The part where he tried to pull her clothes off, or grabbed her breasts, or her crotch? Or was it when she was afraid that she would get in more trouble than he would? Was that funny? Was it your sister, or mom, or daughter?

I was 7. She was 15. That lady was 28. People still didn’t believe them. 

I had no doubt that my parents would believe me. I was afraid my dad would kill him. I was afraid it would break my mother’s heart. So, I decided that I should bear this burden alone. Typing this right now, I don’t know if anyone will ever see it. I am still afraid.

But, if one person thinks, maybe I should think about this from her point of view. It would probably be worth it. 

I’m not saying every story is true, but why would anyone choose to make this one up? 

Prove it? 

Why would I want to?

I can’t understand why you’re offended

This is a few days late, but I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts because this one is a tad controversial.
So, we’re mad at Nike now. Ok, not me, but some people. From a purely logical standpoint, it just won’t work. One side hates Target, and the other side hates Walmart. Shop local, but don’t support anyone with whom you disagree. Unless you want to start making your own clothes and shoes and chicken sandwiches, we’ve got to learn to agree to disagree!
Which is part 1 of why I’m not even mad at Colin Kaepernik or Nike. Part 2 is freedom. I mean, c’mon! Isn’t that what we all stand for in the first place? The freedom to voice our opinions and disagree with the government and all that jazz? Ok, don’t shop at (insert store we are mad at here) if you don’t want to. You certainly have that right! (Aren’t you glad?) But seriously, aren’t you just wasting your time being angry and trying to force people to have your opinion? (This goes both ways people!) I think we had a war about this or something.
For Heaven’s sake! Nike didn’t say Colin had to be your hero or that no one else is as heroic as him! They didn’t even call him a hero. They said he sacrificed a lot for something he believed in. This is true. People are angry. That didn’t stop him from following his beliefs. They’re not your beliefs? Ok. Move on. “He was a terrible quarterback.” “He did something illegal.” Ok. Move on.
Finally, let’s address what he did do. He didn’t stand for the National Anthem on tv. We can argue that he was at work, and it wasn’t his platform to use, but that’s really beside the point. Who wouldn’t use a nationally televised event if they could?
He didn’t stand because he’s angry with the state of race relations in America. Me too. I thought we were in a much better place. That’s because i live in a nice place, where people are nice to each other. Also, I’m white. Nobody pulls me over because I don’t look like I belong in that neighborhood. (Well, not entirely true. A cop once did pull us over in the ghetto, about 1/2 mile from our former home to see if we were lost. But we weren’t even scared!) We don’t have to teach our son how to speak calmly and not make sudden movements if he is pulled over. I don’t get followed around stores, even if I have on cutoffs and my hair in a messy bun. (Everyday)
Don’t try to tell me this doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen to you. I’ve been in the drive-thru at night when a black man with gold plated teeth walked up to my car. I had to remind myself that i wasn’t afraid. You know what he asked me for? Directions. I’ve checked myself when a person of color gets on the elevator to see if I clutch my purse. Do you? Why is this something i even have to think about? I’ve talked to parents. White parents of black children who worry that they don’t know how to protect their children. Black parents of white children who felt bad that they were relieved they wouldn’t have to. If you believe this doesn’t happen, you are kidding yourself. It doesn’t happen to you.
But still, he took a knee when he was supposed to stand. How can we stand by and let this happen? You’re right! We shouldn’t! We should examine ourselves and find out why the Klan is feeling comfortable coming out of the woodwork. We should ask how white nationalists made it into the positions of power that they hold. I don’t place the blame squarely on one group. In the game of tit for tat, we are all losers!
Colin Kaepernick took a knee (the position of prayer and humility btw) during the National Anthem, and he wasn’t the only one. We owe it to ourselves and our country to ask Why? instead of How dare you? Maybe you still don’t agree. Maybe you tear up when you hear The Star Spangled Banner. (me too!) But those soldiers who died, not for that flag, but for this country for over 200 years fought for our right to tell the government to go to hell. You know who taught me that? My grandpa, the General. My dad, the figurative bomb thrower. My mom, the school board member and feisty protector of grandchildren. My brother, the lt. Colonel. My brother, the anarchist. This is a really long list, because I have a lot of siblings.
If you want to know where I stand, it’s right here.

That’s What It’s All About

Do I have to be smart on here all the time?
Am I ever actually smart?
Don’t answer that! I’m not fishing for compliments. Just voicing my thoughts out loud.
And, that’s what this blog is going to be.
I’m so sick of fake news! I think it’s dangerous! It pisses me off! I’m mad that it exists. I’m mad that it can be used as a scapegoat for shoving actual problems under the rug! I’m mad that the actual media had a hand in creating the phenomenon! I’m mad that even the Weather Channel would stoop to such devious methods! (If you missed the hurricane exaggeration video, then you must not be on social media, so you’re not even reading this.)
So, you will not get fake news here. You will get from the heart, honest, messed-up, confused, one-sided conversation that I would be too nervous to say out loud if you could see my face. (Well, my face is over on the side, but I can’t see your face.) There may be things that make you mad, I might bore you, most likely not many people will even see this. But, I felt like the world needed more people telling the truth, so here I am. Feel free to join me! Tell your truth! (I will delete vulgar comments.)
Ps. Anyone who’s met me knows I have a lot to say.
But for now, How about some Manchego? I have some in the fridge, and olives, and walnuts...chocolate covered pumpkin seeds...

Ready, set, go!

Ok, here it is.
I have a dilemma, and I want to share it.
I don’t want to vote. It’s too depressing. But, it’s my civic duty as an American citizen!
Background. Some of my earliest memories involve going with my parents to see Barry Goldwater, helping paint my mom’s school board election signs, and tagging along with her on her board member duties. My parents were Precinct Committeemen, District chairmen, presidential primary delegates! Civic duty is in my blood! I go to jury duty! And, I always voted Republican, before 2016 that is. Let’s just say, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I was an anti-Trump, #nevertrump, but I digress.
But I’m not suddenly a Democrat. I just believe people are more important than power, freedom is more relevant than security, humanity deserves better. I still believe in the sanctity of life, free markets over bureaucracy, and liberty and justice for all.  
I didn’t vote in the primary election. My choices pointed fingers at each other as to who was the softest on immigration. Believe me, none of them are soft. One was the former Sheriff, yes, that sheriff. America’s sheriff. Another actually said, “Illegal immigration is the most significant crisis of our time.” Really? 
I have a friend who also used to vote, mostly Republican, because the Libertarians can’t even seem to take themselves seriously. This election cycle she plans to vote the Democratic Party line, not because she believes it, although parts of the platform do line up with her ideology, like not incarcerating migrant children and legalizing medical marijuana, but “to shake things up.” To me, that’s sad. The state of politics today makes shaking things up more important than policy.
For me, I drew the line on voting for someone I found to be morally reprehensible. Since that time, I’ve taken a hard look at my own beliefs and positions. Sometimes I’m not sure of my own answers. I’ve been unsure how to resolve this, so I think I’ll try a list, in random, stream of consciousness order. Perhaps this is my political platform. It’s incomplete, and may even contradict itself sometimes, but life is messy. I’m messy.
1. Pro life
2. Pro free market
3. Pro safe work environments 
4. Pro immigration reform
5. Against incarceration of immigrant children
6. Supportive of peaceful asylum seekers
7. Love people, regardless of color or creed
8. Aware that privilege allows me this position 
9. Uncomfortable with the idea of privilege, but accept it exists
10. Pro freedom of speech, even when i oppose the actual speech
11. Avoid being a racist
12. Avoid misogynists
13. Protect children
14. peaceful coexistence 
15. Minimal government 

Introduction

To open this blog, I’m going to borrow a post from my jaustme blog written last year, originally titled “A Woman without a Party”. It seems to encapsulate my purpose here. Prepare to be angry. You might be angry a lot. (Side note. In life, I’m not angry.)

SUNDAY, APRIL 30, 2017

A Woman without a Party

I like parties. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I was thinking about parties. Don't all rush to throw together some last minute bash with grocery store cake! That's not actually the party I want to talk about. This time, I'm talking political parties.

I find myself without one. I have been a registered republican since I was 18 years old and voted for George H.W. Bush. Say what you want. Ok, now shut it. I like the man! I like his idea of the compassionate conservative. I liked his 1000 points of light, and I like the Randy Travis song that they used to promote it. And, I don't even like country music, but this one makes me cry. Ok, that's not hard, a lot of music makes me cry. Hymns, Housemartins songs, Format songs, yadda yada...

So, for almost 30 years, I was pretty squarely lined up with the conservative thought of the Republican Party. You mind your business, and I'll mind mine, but please don't kill the unborn babies. Less regulation is usually good, but let's not put our little ones down in the coal mines. No one loves taxes, but let's make sure that everyone who's willing to try and work hard has access to education and opportunity. The closer to home you can keep your politicians, the better.

And then came the 2016 elections. They really threw me for a loop! People that I thought I understood were backing 2 of the worst political candidates I could possibly imagine. The days of Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy were long gone. Political power, drive, and deceit seemed to rule. My own party, that I had supported for years, nominated a man with morals I could never support to be President of the United States of America. I couldn't even have the necessary conversations, because I don't use the filthy language that I would have to describe. The pride, misogyny, racism, and ego were beyond belief.

In my opinion, the other candidate was equally distasteful, for different reasons. Mostly, I don't like her politics, but I also don't like her ethics. I finally decided that I would vote third party. The libertarian was not my ideal candidate either, but seemed the least harmful of the three.

I wanted to blame the Democrats and the press. If they hadn't treated Ronald Reagan and both George Bushes as if they were Donald J. Trump, we wouldn't have Donald J. Trump! But, I always claimed to believe in personal responsibility, so if I didn't want to be a hypocrite, I had to lay the blame strictly on my own party. Why? How? You're freaking kidding me!!! I still don't understand it, so I won't try to explain it. I suppose the why is too much for me to comprehend.

Tomorrow is May 1. My birthday. I still haven't been able to say the words President Trump out loud, but somehow I cringe every time I hear a liberal say basically the same thing. How dare they ignore this monster they created! How dare I? Where is the love for our fellow man? Where is the decency that protects the man who leads this superpower of a nation? Where is my Party?

I tried to turn to the Libertarian party, but try as I might, it's not for me. I'm all for "Anything Peaceful",  but where is the platform? Are they for it or against it? I'm definitely pro-life, and I'm mostly anti-drug, and they haven't convinced me that drug violence is all based on its illegality. So, I just don't fit in.

I guess I don't need a party. I guess I'm fine on my own. But I sure do miss the red, white, and blue balloons and feeling represented by my government. I miss George Washington, and I didn't even know him. I miss Ron and George (btw, I was super excited to find out we're distant cousins!) I won't be back to the GOP, as long as it's ok to belittle people and demean others and act like naughty children.

I guess I'll paraphrase and adapt Ronald Reagan's famous quote. I didn't leave the Republican Party, the Republican Party left me.